Examining Dominance in BDSM

The Greatest Implement at Hand is your Mind

“Do I even really like this?”

As an East London Based Dominatrix, I am often introspecting due to the progressive circles I find myself in.
In the realm of kink and dominance: sometimes you wake up from a delirious pleasure driven haze and something strikes you like lightning.
You sit and decipher your experience of your identity in the landscape of kink for hours.
For me this looked like critiquing what I call “compulsory submission” – a term I’ve coined for the concept that you must be submissive due to societal constraints (and usually systemic oppression).

Compulsory submission looks similar to compulsory heterosexuality in the sense that it’s never fun and rooted in internalised social conditioning. When you start critiquing conditioning, you begin to unveil a whole new truth in what pleasure could mean to you.

Dominance is my most authentic yet most vulnerable state. It took me a long time to learn that. There’s this certain level of “Oh god, why do I want to do that? Why do I enjoy it” when confessing a dominant fantasy (even if it’s just to a mirror).

The classic image of what the Domina is doesn’t fit everyone. I feel most Dominant when hyperfeminine with a cute toy at my heel.
I also feel very powerful when androgynous, inverting the objectifying perspective most commonly found in kink.

I love women. I love femininity. I love masculinity. I think all of these forms of gender presentation and BDSM archetypes can exist in a beautiful concoction where you begin to curate a unique sexual landscape.

Once you overcome the cliches you find in porn, you’re left with this beautiful shining truth which is a lot more accessible than the glossy archetypes we’re fed culturally.

Instead of questioning whether we’re a “soft” or “brutal” Dominant, in a self absorbed, commodified and digestible quiz, you twist your attention outward to your play partner. Instead of a glamorous and unattainable vision of Dominance you’re left with the tools at your fingertips.

So you sit and think, in this quiet revelation, how can I feel good: right here right now? How can I make my play partner feel good? What steps can I take towards pursuing the fantasy?